Dear Jacob

As my first born, I couldn't help it but feel sorry for you. You were born to an inexperienced mother like me. Not knowing what's best for you but yet I have an ego to do it my way because... I believe that ... mothers knows best...? 

Oh how wrong can I be. If only I could turn back time when you were 1 and I started introducing to you more variety of proteins probably you wouldn't have issue of being under the graph. It has always been my inner conscience fighting with logics of the world.

I know I shouldn't compare but it does breaks my heart to see your thin frame compared to your younger brother. I'd do anything to help you with it. But with that, I can't help it but feeling guilty that I asked you to take a couple more spoons when you said you're already full and you'll always agree to it. 

I'm sorry that I couldn't spend as much time as before. Your little brother has been keeping me occupied at all times and I needed to pay more attention to him. I miss the times when we could play together. 

Dear Jacob,

Mommy may sometimes raise her voice at you when you're naughty but deep down inside, I'm raising my voice to myself too. It hurts 10x as much that I have to be the devil when it comes to parenting. Ahh.. parenting. I have a love hate relationship with this word. 

I love being a parent to you. You bring so much joy to my life with your witty comments and random song lyrics. I guess you inherited that from your daddy. I love that you're always out of the box when it comes to creativity. It's not something I'd expect from a 4year old. You never failed to impress and makes me enjoy my parenting process. 

As a parent, I can't help it but feeling guilty ALL.THE.TIME. If I don't get you gadgets, you're gonna be left out in this age of technology and your peers mostly have one. If I get you gadgets, I'm afraid you might be addicted to it. I hope you understand why mommy needs to limit you from screen time. Breaks my heart when you cry about it. 

Dear Jacob, 

You may not understand what I wrote here right now but I'd like to pen this down here so you know how proud I am of you. As our first born, you're always the first for us to experience parenthood journey. First time dealing with a newborn, first time baby get sick, first time a baby fall off the bed, first time arranging you for kindie and many for first time to come. Bear with us, as much as it is your first time, it is ours too. But you're always so brave facing it and never complained about it. You set a good example to your little brother. 

Dear Jacob, 

I love you. Keep smiling and singing like you always do. Know that mommy will always support you in whatever you do. I'm sorry that I may not be the best parent that you wanted. You got no choice right? :P.  I'll try my best to keep you happy always and give you a bright future. Just like your name. 

Love, 

Mamajo