Dear Joshua

I had a conversation with your dad today randomly about how I loosened up so many rules with you. I wasn't as strict to my parenting rules compared to when your brother was at your age. I wasn't particularly happy about it. In a way it makes me feel like I'm an awful mother for neglecting the "right way" of parenting. To be honest, I sometimes even forgot how old you are because you're showing a much faster progress than your brother when he was 18months. Hence, the rules got loosened. Could be a good thing?

I always grumble and complain when you're clingy to me and yes, I don't think you'll remember this but you are very clingy to me. No one else could console you when you're crying except for me in this house. In a way, I'm very happy about it. It means you found your comfort. I had the thought to not hold you when you're crying because they say "if you hold a baby when they're crying, they will never learn to stop crying". But I can't. It hurts me to see you crying nonstop. I don't know if this would make things worse in the future but I know at this moment, you needed comfort and I could give you it. Well, if you turn out to need a hug in the future when things go bad, mommy's arms are always open k?

Dear Joshua, 

Tonight I found comfort when I was hugging you tightly before you sleep, though in reality you were trying to escape from my arms to jump on the bed. But at that very moment, all my doubt of being a parent was gone. Not to be dramatic but it was a special kind of happiness that I couldn't explain. I love being your parent.

Also, even though I said it was annoying that you always use my leg as your bench or your special seat but do know that deep down, I'm very happy about it. I complained to your daddy but I was actually showing off. You picked me over daddy! Hah!

Dear Joshua,

One day you will not want me to carry you or to hug you tightly anymore. You may not want to sit close to me anymore. It's okay. Mommy understand. It's the circle of life. It's probably hard for me to accept this day would come but I'll still accept it. Know that mommy will always support you. 

You probably notice the message to you is shorter than your brother's. But my love for both of you are equal. 

I love you, Joshua. 

Mamajo