Dear Joshua

I had a conversation with your dad today randomly about how I loosened up so many rules with you. I wasn't as strict to my parenting rules compared to when your brother was at your age. I wasn't particularly happy about it. In a way it makes me feel like I'm an awful mother for neglecting the "right way" of parenting. To be honest, I sometimes even forgot how old you are because you're showing a much faster progress than your brother when he was 18months. Hence, the rules got loosened. Could be a good thing?

I always grumble and complain when you're clingy to me and yes, I don't think you'll remember this but you are very clingy to me. No one else could console you when you're crying except for me in this house. In a way, I'm very happy about it. It means you found your comfort. I had the thought to not hold you when you're crying because they say "if you hold a baby when they're crying, they will never learn to stop crying". But I can't. It hurts me to see you crying nonstop. I don't know if this would make things worse in the future but I know at this moment, you needed comfort and I could give you it. Well, if you turn out to need a hug in the future when things go bad, mommy's arms are always open k?

Dear Joshua, 

Tonight I found comfort when I was hugging you tightly before you sleep, though in reality you were trying to escape from my arms to jump on the bed. But at that very moment, all my doubt of being a parent was gone. Not to be dramatic but it was a special kind of happiness that I couldn't explain. I love being your parent.

Also, even though I said it was annoying that you always use my leg as your bench or your special seat but do know that deep down, I'm very happy about it. I complained to your daddy but I was actually showing off. You picked me over daddy! Hah!

Dear Joshua,

One day you will not want me to carry you or to hug you tightly anymore. You may not want to sit close to me anymore. It's okay. Mommy understand. It's the circle of life. It's probably hard for me to accept this day would come but I'll still accept it. Know that mommy will always support you. 

You probably notice the message to you is shorter than your brother's. But my love for both of you are equal. 

I love you, Joshua. 

Mamajo

Dear Jacob

As my first born, I couldn't help it but feel sorry for you. You were born to an inexperienced mother like me. Not knowing what's best for you but yet I have an ego to do it my way because... I believe that ... mothers knows best...? 

Oh how wrong can I be. If only I could turn back time when you were 1 and I started introducing to you more variety of proteins probably you wouldn't have issue of being under the graph. It has always been my inner conscience fighting with logics of the world.

I know I shouldn't compare but it does breaks my heart to see your thin frame compared to your younger brother. I'd do anything to help you with it. But with that, I can't help it but feeling guilty that I asked you to take a couple more spoons when you said you're already full and you'll always agree to it. 

I'm sorry that I couldn't spend as much time as before. Your little brother has been keeping me occupied at all times and I needed to pay more attention to him. I miss the times when we could play together. 

Dear Jacob,

Mommy may sometimes raise her voice at you when you're naughty but deep down inside, I'm raising my voice to myself too. It hurts 10x as much that I have to be the devil when it comes to parenting. Ahh.. parenting. I have a love hate relationship with this word. 

I love being a parent to you. You bring so much joy to my life with your witty comments and random song lyrics. I guess you inherited that from your daddy. I love that you're always out of the box when it comes to creativity. It's not something I'd expect from a 4year old. You never failed to impress and makes me enjoy my parenting process. 

As a parent, I can't help it but feeling guilty ALL.THE.TIME. If I don't get you gadgets, you're gonna be left out in this age of technology and your peers mostly have one. If I get you gadgets, I'm afraid you might be addicted to it. I hope you understand why mommy needs to limit you from screen time. Breaks my heart when you cry about it. 

Dear Jacob, 

You may not understand what I wrote here right now but I'd like to pen this down here so you know how proud I am of you. As our first born, you're always the first for us to experience parenthood journey. First time dealing with a newborn, first time baby get sick, first time a baby fall off the bed, first time arranging you for kindie and many for first time to come. Bear with us, as much as it is your first time, it is ours too. But you're always so brave facing it and never complained about it. You set a good example to your little brother. 

Dear Jacob, 

I love you. Keep smiling and singing like you always do. Know that mommy will always support you in whatever you do. I'm sorry that I may not be the best parent that you wanted. You got no choice right? :P.  I'll try my best to keep you happy always and give you a bright future. Just like your name. 

Love, 

Mamajo

Newborn don't need these

As a new mom, we get overwhelmed by the preparation to welcome the new baby to the family. We seek advise from our relatives, friends, uncle Google, random voice whispering to us, telling us "WE NEED THIS" when we go to baby shop or worse, when we're at baby expo.

These places are horrible! They have so many baby items under one roof and it feels like we need them all. I too, have got some redundant things that I thought I would need them but ended up I just shove it one side after my baby is born.

In this list are some of the items that I've got but never used.. or just once or twice and some that I seen some parents got them but from my experience, they don't need it.

1. Newborn shoes.

Newborn don't wear shoes. It's fun to buy them, it's nice and all but they can't walk yet. So they really don't need them. What they need are mittens and booties. These guys are to protect your baby from the cold and prevent them from scratching themselves.

2. Baby seat 

Baby don't need this yet. Their backbone isn't strong enough to support themselves. They still need you to support their back and neck. My friends got this for me when my baby was almost 1 month old and I had to keep this in storage until my baby is 6months plus. I think he's about 7 or 8 months when we actually uses this. This comes handy when the baby is much older.

3. Baby blanket

As cute as they are, they could be hazardous. Baby will move their hands and feet up and down, left to right from time to time while they're sleeping and there could be chance that the blanket will fall covering their face. Unless you could keep an eye on your baby for the whole time while they're sleeping (please no, remember the rule that you should sleep when your baby sleeps too, to get enough rest) then MAYBE you can use one. In general, you shouldn't put anything within your baby's arms reach in the crib or on the bed (if you're co sleeping). This may impose SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Anyway, my baby feels uncomfortable when we put blanket on him. He even "kicked" it away by moving his hands and feet. He's still not using any blanket up till now, we just need to regulate the temperature in the room.

4. Baby carrier 

Again, I got this (not particularly this brand) from my sister-in-law, preloved. I never used this until my sone is about 6 months old, which is until he's able to sit up right. We did tried this on him prior to that but his neck was still wobbly and he couldn't support himself to be upright yet. As much as the carrier said it can be used for newborn, it was a struggle for us to put him in and to see him in it even. His head would plop from side to side without proper support.

These are as much as I could think of for now. Let me know if you have any other items you've bought but not used for your newborn!

Top 10 things I wished I knew earlier as a First Time Mom

When I was pregnant, I went crazy over research on what I should look out for, how the baby should be in the womb, signs that I must take precaution of, etc. But once I have delivered, I was so caught up taking care of my baby that I got worried over every little thing that is common.

1. Jaundice
There's almost no way to avoid this. Baby will have jaundice. It's just whether how serious(high) the bilirubin level is. My baby had prolonged jaundice that lasted for 2 months. I was so overly worried, thinking that my breast milk was the cause. Doctor told me it's breastmilk jaundice. But he never stopped me from breastfeeding. He even encouraged frequent feeding, every 1-2 hours so that baby can excrete the bilirubin via poop or pee. Of course, during this period we had to go back and forth to the clinic to have him checked. Also, jaundice baby tends to be more sleepy. So wake your baby up for feeding if they're sleeping longer than 3 hours!

2. Bleed
I was bleeding like overloaded period for almost 3 weeks! So do prepare lots of heavy flow pads / maternity pads. Don't carry heavy objects or if you must, don't do it for a long period. Walk slowly, don't overtire yourself. I thought the flow had stopped so I was walking fast and carrying my baby when we had to send him to hospital to get admitted due to jaundice. Then the next day the heavy flow came back.

3. Breast milk
Some mothers said their milk production was low. So I was quite lucky to have an appropriate amount to feed my baby. Don't give up on trying to latch your baby though. Breastmilk work as demand and supply. If your baby latch, so there's demand that's sending to your brain to signal more production.

I'd love to quote one of the mother that said to me while I was pregnant, "Even animals always have milk to feed their baby. We have too, we just need to think positive and always think that we have breastmilk. It may come slow, or few days or weeks late, but WE HAVE"

Breastmilk is the best food you can provide to your baby from newborn until 2. You can even continue if you want to.

4. Leaking
I didn't know that full breast will leak! I've so many emergency pumping sessions while I was in my early motherhood days. I wasn't used to the frequency of nursing and most of the time, Jacob only takes one side of the breast, so the other side will still be full! Also, while feeding on one side, the other side will leak/squirt. Depends on the let-down.

5. Engorged breasts
It's painful. I haven't got mastitis before, I read that if engorgement is left untreated, we may get mastitis. So do remember to clear the breasts before it gets too full! Also, if prolonged, the production may decrease. Because the brain thinks baby doesn't need that much.

6. Fickle boobs
Breastmilk supply may go up and down during the first few months after delivery. The body is still trying to get used to the schedule. So don't worry if the production is too much or too less. It will adjust itself after few months.

7. No menstruation
It can be a whole year long or even longer depending if you're still breastfeeding. It's 8 months now and counting that I still haven't got my period back. I'm kinda liking it but at the same time worried if there's something is wrong with me. I've always thought that period will be back to normal monthly flow after that weeks of blood after delivery. I was wrong.

8. Mother's thumb
What is it? It's an inflammation near the thumb and wrist from repeatedly lifting heavy babies under their arms. It usually happens to new mommies. It results from pointing up the thumb and wrapping the other fingers around the back of the heavy baby, which will cause inflammation in the tendons below the thumb.
I'm still having it since Jacob was 2months old. It's painful. Always take note on how you carry your baby. Lately, I felt that it has gotten worst when I was changing his diaper. Too much wrist movement probably. I should wear my wrist guard back religiously. Bah.

9. Breast Pump
Invest in a good breast pump. I read that good breast pump can indirectly help to yield more milk when pumping. Also, get a hakaa, a milk collector.

Image is from google

It's useful when your baby is latching on one side, then you put this milk collector on the other side to collect the milk that is leaking. Or if your breast pump is a single pump, then this helps too! I've wasted some precious liquid gold in my first 2 weeks of not knowing this collector.

10. Be prepared to nurse in public
Unless you don't go out at all. It's hard to time when your baby needs to nurse and sometimes you can't avoid the need to nurse them when you're out of the house. Traffic jam maybe? Get a nursing cover or even a big scarf to cover yourself while nursing in public if there's no nursing room provided at whereever you are. But nowadays in Malaysia, many malls have nursing room facilities. If you have the budget, you can buy some nursing clothes too. I've been using my oversized tshirt and a scarf to cover myself. I've seen mothers who had nursing tops, breastfeeding without a cover! So experienced! Gotta learn.

Just slide and nurse! So convenient

Most of this experienced are based on a first time breast feeding mom. I'm lucky to be able to breastfeed. It's tiring but once I knew the benefits of breast feeding, I just keep pushing myself forward day by day. Hopefully I'm able to continue on this journey until baby decided to weans himself off.