Dear Joshua

I had a conversation with your dad today randomly about how I loosened up so many rules with you. I wasn't as strict to my parenting rules compared to when your brother was at your age. I wasn't particularly happy about it. In a way it makes me feel like I'm an awful mother for neglecting the "right way" of parenting. To be honest, I sometimes even forgot how old you are because you're showing a much faster progress than your brother when he was 18months. Hence, the rules got loosened. Could be a good thing?

I always grumble and complain when you're clingy to me and yes, I don't think you'll remember this but you are very clingy to me. No one else could console you when you're crying except for me in this house. In a way, I'm very happy about it. It means you found your comfort. I had the thought to not hold you when you're crying because they say "if you hold a baby when they're crying, they will never learn to stop crying". But I can't. It hurts me to see you crying nonstop. I don't know if this would make things worse in the future but I know at this moment, you needed comfort and I could give you it. Well, if you turn out to need a hug in the future when things go bad, mommy's arms are always open k?

Dear Joshua, 

Tonight I found comfort when I was hugging you tightly before you sleep, though in reality you were trying to escape from my arms to jump on the bed. But at that very moment, all my doubt of being a parent was gone. Not to be dramatic but it was a special kind of happiness that I couldn't explain. I love being your parent.

Also, even though I said it was annoying that you always use my leg as your bench or your special seat but do know that deep down, I'm very happy about it. I complained to your daddy but I was actually showing off. You picked me over daddy! Hah!

Dear Joshua,

One day you will not want me to carry you or to hug you tightly anymore. You may not want to sit close to me anymore. It's okay. Mommy understand. It's the circle of life. It's probably hard for me to accept this day would come but I'll still accept it. Know that mommy will always support you. 

You probably notice the message to you is shorter than your brother's. But my love for both of you are equal. 

I love you, Joshua. 

Mamajo

Dear Jacob

As my first born, I couldn't help it but feel sorry for you. You were born to an inexperienced mother like me. Not knowing what's best for you but yet I have an ego to do it my way because... I believe that ... mothers knows best...? 

Oh how wrong can I be. If only I could turn back time when you were 1 and I started introducing to you more variety of proteins probably you wouldn't have issue of being under the graph. It has always been my inner conscience fighting with logics of the world.

I know I shouldn't compare but it does breaks my heart to see your thin frame compared to your younger brother. I'd do anything to help you with it. But with that, I can't help it but feeling guilty that I asked you to take a couple more spoons when you said you're already full and you'll always agree to it. 

I'm sorry that I couldn't spend as much time as before. Your little brother has been keeping me occupied at all times and I needed to pay more attention to him. I miss the times when we could play together. 

Dear Jacob,

Mommy may sometimes raise her voice at you when you're naughty but deep down inside, I'm raising my voice to myself too. It hurts 10x as much that I have to be the devil when it comes to parenting. Ahh.. parenting. I have a love hate relationship with this word. 

I love being a parent to you. You bring so much joy to my life with your witty comments and random song lyrics. I guess you inherited that from your daddy. I love that you're always out of the box when it comes to creativity. It's not something I'd expect from a 4year old. You never failed to impress and makes me enjoy my parenting process. 

As a parent, I can't help it but feeling guilty ALL.THE.TIME. If I don't get you gadgets, you're gonna be left out in this age of technology and your peers mostly have one. If I get you gadgets, I'm afraid you might be addicted to it. I hope you understand why mommy needs to limit you from screen time. Breaks my heart when you cry about it. 

Dear Jacob, 

You may not understand what I wrote here right now but I'd like to pen this down here so you know how proud I am of you. As our first born, you're always the first for us to experience parenthood journey. First time dealing with a newborn, first time baby get sick, first time a baby fall off the bed, first time arranging you for kindie and many for first time to come. Bear with us, as much as it is your first time, it is ours too. But you're always so brave facing it and never complained about it. You set a good example to your little brother. 

Dear Jacob, 

I love you. Keep smiling and singing like you always do. Know that mommy will always support you in whatever you do. I'm sorry that I may not be the best parent that you wanted. You got no choice right? :P.  I'll try my best to keep you happy always and give you a bright future. Just like your name. 

Love, 

Mamajo